Monday, June 1, 2020
A Confession
I have a secret to tell you.
I hate myself.
I am a twenty-four year old adult who have been working for almost four years now.
It's not that old but I feel so old. You know what I mean?
If you know me, you know that I am not an open person. I am quiet, only observing my surroundings. I don't say much even in a familiar environment. I don't mingle with strangers. I am avoiding them. I hate small fake talk. I also don't talk too much about my life. I don't take photos of myself much. I also haven't been active on social media.
I am practically hiding myself from the world.
I also always try to be self-sufficient ever since I can remember. I know I can't rely on anyone else. I have been let down one too many times that I started not believing on anybody else anymore and started thinking that I can't depend on anyone other than myself.
I'd stopped taking care of myself. I'd stopped caring about other people. I lost interest on the things I enjoyed before. I haven't been able to gain weight even though I ate a lot. I had bouts of appetite loss. I developed anxiety problems and chronic stress. I always felt tired thus the need to sleep a lot but then, I have a hard time getting one once I'm on the bed due to flowing thoughts.
The signs were already there.
The hopelessness. The helplessness. The feeling of being abandoned. The feeling of being undervalued.
It's not easy dealing with depression. People can say all they want. But those people who experiences this are fighting a war with themselves.
And it's difficult.
This illness will eat you up alive once you let it run amok. It won't let you live your life on a radiant level. It will pull you down the abyss, just let you floating around there aimlessly.
The worst of it all, it robs you off of simply living your life.
Speaking from experience, I have let my depression shrouded my self-image and right now, I am walking a life of blankness.
I have been quite busy dealing with my dilemma of self-hate and hatred towards the world that I forget to start building myself.
To start creating the person I want to project to the world.
All this time, I've been holding myself back from everything. From people. From things. From experiences.
You know the consequences of these things?
I had no opportunity to grow up.
Yes, all those time spent on studying, I have learned a lot. It gave me knowledge but it didn't gave me wisdom.
It didn't provide me the tool to shape myself up. To mold myself. To uplift myself.
I was only crowding my little self on the corner of the room. Hiding my presence.
You see, continuously doing that had a cumulative effect.
Self hate to hate projection to being socially aloof to regrets of missed experiences to depression then more self hate and so on.
And, I will reiterate this again. Having depression doesn't make life easy and fighting it is not easier.
But, with all that, I know that it starts and ends with the mind.
And, you know what?
I am tired of being stuck.
I am tired of blaming the world.
I am tired of beating myself up for nothing.
I am tired of letting that have power over me.
Now, I want to take it back.
Now, I want to change the person I have become due to this mental illness I succumb myself into.
Now, I want to stop the cycle I have been so accustomed to that it already became my second skin, my reflex.
And right now, I want to start the growth I should have been focusing on to reach.
I believe that we can't solve a problem without accepting the fact that it is one.
The solution is easy: start accepting, start dealing with it and start taking responsibility of our own lives from now on so hopefully, we can start to live a fulfilling days ahead.
--
With this in mind, I am hoping that we can all extend our compassion and understanding to everybody because as cliche as this is, each of us are fighting our own battles.
And those two won't cost you a penny so give it out plenty.
---
Some words to leave:
At the end of the day, people will come and go and those who stay are those who are for keeps.
Wherever the road might lead you on, know that it will always have a reason. It might be a long bumpy road but do not ever forget to always enjoy the journey.
What people think about you doesn't matter. It's what you think about yourself that does.
What you want to say matters so don't be afraid to voice it out, as long as your intentions are good and valid.
And who you are matters. Period.
Claim it and let it shine.
---
One step forward is a progress. One misstep is a learned lesson. One step backward is always an opportunity for that another climb up. Always remember that.
---
Some words I found on Pinterest that resonates with me on a deep level that I'd like to share:
And, how true that is.
***
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Thoughts
Our current situation with the disease that plagueing not only this country but the whole world has shaken all of us. It has been unnerving, which is an understatement. We are, at the most part, unprepared. This wasn't foreseen nor part of the plan.I know it's hard for our leaders. It's not easy to lead a country or people on normal days. How much more right now. There is a lot to consider. The economic and financial impact, for instance. And, the pandemic itself. How to stop the spread of the disease. Can they produce a vaccine or a cure as soon as they can. With all the ruckus people have been creating day by day, I'm sure I'll be at a loss myself.
I'm not an expert on this field. But given a thought to all that must be considered, I couldn't even fathom how can they. They are starting from scratch and are literally fighting an invisible enemy. How hard can that be, right?
This is also one of the things that I felt to be disturbing. Just so you know, I am not a pro or an anti. I am neither. But, what I couldn't take from all the things I have been reading online are those pure negative comments and slanders people are throwing without even knowing the depth of the situation. It is easy to criticize when you are from the outside. It is easy to point out the wrongs because there will always be one or two or more. Because, the sad truth is we're looking for the faults. It is highlighted in our eyes.
I appreciate those posts that has a constructive criticism on it much much better. The government is not perfect and I don't think people will have a perfect leader on their eyes, to be honest. There will always be lacking, I know. Just like with ourselves.
This just frustates me to no ends. I have been using social media these days less and only to update myself on the news, nothing anymore.
I have been pissed at the people on our government. I am. I actually don't believe in them. I see corruption and lies. Manipulation and abuse of power. There's always a question of authenticity at the back of my mind. However, generalizing them won't help you.
We should learn the facts and understand them. The whats and the hows of the disease, how the system works, how the government operates, the laws and other things. Be properly informed.
And, we should criticize constructively. I know people are using social media to be heard which is totally fine and our absolute right. But, I hope that our need and purpose to be heard is vital to the cause and will help us and the people around us.
Let's always go for a win-win situation and help as much as we can but with knowledge and heart.
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Sunday Currently Volume 3
Hello there! I know it's been a while since my last post. The last few months had been hectic and eventful so I have a lot to tell but do not have the time to do so. If I am not out of the house for my only rest day, I was up and about, restless. Anyway, I would like to share my Sunday Currently instead. Just a bit and a quick update on my sedentary life. Here it is.
Reading
It's so sad that I wasn't able to accomplish my 2017 reading challenge which is to read 21 books. I decided to make it a goal to read as many books as my age. I also wanted to try to lessen reading on my phone because it wasn't healthy on the eyes. That is why, I will make it a ratio of 2 is to 1: two actual books to one e-book. Okay, so I just decided that just now as I wrote this, on a whim but I will stick on to it. I promise (haha). Anyway, I was currently on to November 9 by Colleen Hoover. I also have 2 books on hold: The Martian & An Abundance of Katherines. But I wouldn't babble about these books right now. I was still on the beginning of the book. So yea.
Writing
Writing this blog right now on a fast pace since it's already past nine. Earlier I was listing down things I should do today, you know, productive-wise, but I just played Kingdom of Amalur Reckoning all day. I was so engrossed by the flow of the game I was losing track of the time. I was supposed to start my night routine today which I would post some other time for accountability's sake because I am a hard-headed, lazy girl. I never learn.
Listening
Literally, I am currently listening to the sound of the fan because it was the loudest I am hearing right now besides on the intermittent flutter of the calendar beside me and the puttering of the keys while I am typing.
Thinking
I was thinking of a restart (yet again) of my 21-day challenge that I posted last year. Just so you know, I did the challenge and record my progress I just don't have the time right now to go on to the details and to tell whether or not I accomplished it. One of these days, I will. Probably.
Smelling
I couldn't smell anything right now.
Wearing
The clothes I had this morning. Still a mismatch of whatevers.
Feeling
Lost. I feel lost right now, to be honest.
Loving
Loving the new addition to our home, our white kitty. She's so cute and sweet!
That's all for my Sunday Currently. I hope to update more and to be able to really start with my things. Thank you! Bbye.
“We can't begin to learn until we admit how much we don't know.”
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Sunday Currently Volume 2
It's been weeks since my last update and I even said I would try to post weekly (Huh!). To be honest, I was really trying to write for the past weeks. It's just that every time, I had this big wall of blankness. As in, nothing. I just stare at my blog willing myself to just start writing but nothing comes to mind or maybe nothing interesting to tell. But, today, I finally decided to just write my Sunday Currently and without further ado, here it is.
READING
Read
I have read two poetry books for the past week. They are The Princess Saves Herself On This One by Amanda Lovelace and The Universe of Us by Lang Leav.
A little teaser:
when
someone
offers to
save you
make it
your mission
to
save yourself.
- I believe in you
(The Princess Saves Herself On This One)
"The sad thing is," she said,
"the moment you start to miss someone,
it means they're already gone."
(The Universe Of Us)
Nothing like poetry gives me the chills. It has a way of giving you emotions. A page with a few words, meant a whole lot. It can pierce you. Break you. Make you back up again. It can open your eyes and it teaches you things.
And those two did give me a plethora of them and so much more.
Currently Reading
“I have a feeling that when I'm Stormy's age, these everyday moments will be what I remember: Peter's head bent, biting into a chocolate chip cookie; the sun coming through the cafeteria window, bouncing off his brown hair; him looking at me.”
So, I finally found the courage to start reading the last book of "To All The Boys I've Loved Before" Series. I have prolonged this moment because I wanted my last glimpse of Lara Jean and Peter's story to stay that way. This is the finale of the finale. And it breaks my heart knowing that.
I have nothing much to say yet since I am just at the beginning of the book. Jenny Han is such a great writer. She can give the most common occurrence in our lives so much color and life. How she can turn these little moments into something big and wonderful. I love both Lara Jean and Peter and every characters in the book. That's why it would kill me if they wouldn't end up together!! So, please Jenny Han, give me a good ending!
I have nothing much to say yet since I am just at the beginning of the book. Jenny Han is such a great writer. She can give the most common occurrence in our lives so much color and life. How she can turn these little moments into something big and wonderful. I love both Lara Jean and Peter and every characters in the book. That's why it would kill me if they wouldn't end up together!! So, please Jenny Han, give me a good ending!
WRITING
Writing this blog for this week. Will really list those writing challenges so I can start with my weekly post. It would be a great thing for me to focus my mind outside work. Diversion is totally needed.
WATCHING
Given that I have a wonderful two days off, I had extended my usual bed time and I watched Before We Go. I was also delaying my time with this movie because I wanted to have the perfect time to watch it. However, like so many things in life, I guess, you can't really tell when will that be so when the time comes you just got to do it and go with the flow (note to self).
I was really going to bed early last night due to my intention of starting that morning run (again, with the weekly whatnots). But when Chris Evans' face was flashed on the screen I became glued to my sit.
It is a bittersweet story of two people who met at an inopportune time. On a closing train station. In the middle of the night. There is this man, grieving from a lost love years ago, waiting and hoping that a chance of getting back together will come. And a woman who's hurting from a broken love, conflicted and shattered by the thought of a possibility of an ending. In a span of hours, they crossed paths and experienced love, knowing it would end at the break of dawn. At the parting time.
An unexpected story of love. A story I will surely watch again!
LISTENING
Listening to several songs on Spotify. Too many to mention actually. But I am currently into What Lovers Do by Maroon 5 & SZA, Too Good In Goodbyes by Sam Smith, There For You by Troye Sivan & Martin Garrix, all Ed Sheeran's songs, Feels by Calvin Harris, Katy Perry etc.
I was listening on the playlist while writing and just feeling the music.
THINKING
It has been a bad habit of mine to not stop thinking. So, I do have, like, a lot on my mind at the moment. I really should start toning it down since it just bothers me and really just stresses the heck out of me. Also, I should start sorting it out and to not let it overwhelm me so that I will be able to mean what I really want to say.
That aside, I was thinking of starting a business. An online clothing business. Nothing concrete yet just things floating in my head right now. Hope I will really be able to put it into fruition.
SMELLING
Cannot move on with our dinner today. I was cooking dinner (huh) which happens rarely (I am not the chef of the family and not a very good cook) and the smell was so mouth-watering. It is nothing fancy really but it was one of my favorites. My tummy has been incessantly rumbling while I cook. Missed eating GG! If you're a Filipino, you would know what that is. Tummy was satisfied!
WISHING
I wish to start to live my life more.
Have the courage to just do it and leave out all the rest.
And I wish I could just stop worrying sometimes and to stop doubting myself so much.
WEARING
I am wearing house clothes. A mismatch pair of whatevers. Haha
FEELING
I was feeling... overwhelmed. Coz' tomorrow's the day of the week. Again.
CLICKING
Several tabs right now.
LOVING
How I started to have a progress with this! Will really challenge myself to start writing weekly.
NEEDING
A ME time. Just so I can finally feel like I am living my life. Got to finally start ticking one of my bucket list off.
That is all for my Sunday Currently Volume 2!! By the way, this is a weekly post from Siddathornton's blog. Click the link to see more. And...
a parting words:
“Never say no when you really want to say yes.”
- Always and Forever, Lara Jean
- Always and Forever, Lara Jean
Saturday, September 16, 2017
What I have been up to lately
That being said, I would like to take a breather and break the monotony that is: my life, which is why I decided to re-live my blog again (Yehey!). Again. (Yes, for so many times, already). Also, this will serve as my accountability post for the weekly writing that I am planning to do (Hah!)
But first let me give you an update so far as to what I have been up to lately.
Last August 25, we had our team building x values with the theme: Ramp It Up! LIT AF. It was a 2 days one night event which is one of the highlights of the year for the company and one of the most awaited as well.
I wasn't able to take much photos since I was so engrossed by the place. It's been so long since I've been in a beach or see such a scenery or to see the outside world. I know, right.
The day went by so quickly. After our morning calisthenics, where we do some exercises to loosen us up and to give us energy, we went straight to what they call "values" where issues, concerns and the core values of the company was discussed openly. We were grouped together to discuss concerns about work so that we can come up with solutions. It was such a great activity for us since for a newbie it is good to see the sides of each department.
After our open forum, we went to fill our stomach. The weather that day is a bit gloomy. It rained for most of the day. Good thing, though, is that we did most of our activity indoors.
When lunch is up, we were able to tour the place for a bit and went to shoot some pictures of us inside because it's raining. Then, around 2pm, we were called in the session hall for our team building. After that, we were by ourselves for the rest of evening (that is before dinner and the last event of the day). All we did was enjoy our room and the view. I would have add the pictures of our room but it wasn't in the computer so maybe some other time.
I wasn't able to get a good shot of our socials night so there's nothing for that, sorry. But it was one of the highly anticipated events of our team building 'cause this is where we really loosen ourselves up. Okay, so the stiff me, had quite loosen herself up. So yea. Hard to say I dance my heart out there cause maybe I'm the only one thinking that but I do know that all those few drinks I intake and was given to me was shot straight out of my system: few minutes after we're about to hit the sack. Right, talk about alcohol tolerance which I only have, like, a little. It's only a few different kinds of drinks. Yeaa, gotta be tougher next time.
Forgive the awkward pose, that pic doesn't quite happen often.
All in all, it was such a wonderful experience with a great bunch of people. Next time I will enjoy it to the fullest (and not sleep all morning -meh-)
So, this is it for my lately's.
Bbye.
Love, Nix
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Saturday Feels
Of all the days, I feel so sluggish and out of it today. Of all days, really. It has been such a long time since I was able to be home from work so early that I can still feel the heat still hitting my flesh and see my favorite shade of blue paste up in the sky so beautifully. For so long, the night welcomed me. It has been my company going home with music in my ears, hoping to soothe my mind.
The past six months have been a blur. I was only going through day by day, most of the time, wishing the day to finally end and the weekend to finally come. It has been my sentiments every week. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know I shouldn't think this way. It's not going to help me at all. It's not going to make my life or work easy.
I feel so frustrated. I felt like I have been passed back and forth like a tennis ball and I know that if I keep going on like this, I will stretch myself thin that I would break. And today, I feel like I am on the verge of breaking.
The thing is I have been working for six months and I felt like I'm getting nowhere. I'm not even moving forward. I am stuck. I can't help but to hate the fact that everything I'd done for the past six months meant nothing. Not to everyone I care about and to the people I served. Not even to myself.
All I want now is to take a rest and hope that when I wake up I finally had a solution or more like to have the courage to finally do what I am supposed to do. Knock my head, please. I need a really hard one.
Monday, September 12, 2016
The Sunday Currently Volume 1
Hi there! I'm unofficially back again into writing. Unofficially -
being the operative word there given that I am still not sure what to do
with my blog. Too much on my mind right now. Too much inaction, I might
add. So, for now, I would want to give it another go and just see where it will lead me. Anyway, here's my
Sunday Currently Volume 1.
Reading
I
am currently reading two books: 1 e-book and 1 paperback book. The
reason behind the overlapping of books there is that I just can't stop
myself from reading anywhere. I don't have an actual book with me all
the time so for an uncontrollable bookworm itch that I couldn't scratch
away, I have a lot of e-books with me. The first one is Wasted Words by Staci Heart and the latter is a book of Bram Stoker - Dracula.
I should probably write about my current thoughts about these books on a
separate post 'cause if not this will be longer than necessary. By the way, I just visit the site of Goodreads (I'm
always using the app version) and I absolutely love its new layout!!
Also, I want to share that I already completed my 20 Books in 2016
Reading Challenge, so I added another 5. Okay, I'll stop being annoying
already...
Writing
Nothing
interesting really. This is my first time in such a long time when it
comes to writing. If you can consider writing random notes, goals and
motivational words in the back pages of a notebook, then maybe I can
write it down here. Probably elaborate those goals next time. When
clarity finally meets me. And with firm resolution to boot. Yes, I probably
will.
Listening
To
the current soundtrack on our house. It has been on a daily basis,
those beautiful songs playing on continuously. The music of Christopher
Cross, Bread, Kenny Rogers, Bee Gees and Air Supply. Also, the songs of
Shania Twain and Michael Buble. And should I forget the latest songs on
Youtube Mix, that is a lot to enumerate right now and the children songs
on loop. I'll be able to sing their lyrics on the coming days. Not that
I'm complaining. I love them!!
Thinking
Can
we please not go here? In thinking? Seriously.. I'll be on it forever. This is actually why I started writing this post. 'Cause I want to
release some off of my brain. It is currently congested really. So, I'll
be unloading them one day at a time. The motto that I try to currently live by. One day at a time.
Smelling
Honestly,
I can't smell anything right now because of my congested nasal
passageways. I just love the word right. Maybe, I should start "one word a day", as well. To kick-start my love of word and writing.
Wishing
I
have many on my bucket right now, but if it's only one wish then I am
wishing for a fruitful year. I know.. too general... It's already
Ber-months and my birth month too. I will be 21 in less than two weeks
so I hope for things to go great if not superbly amazing.
Wearing
My usual attire: comfy shirt and leggings. It's currently 2 in the morning and yes, I am still sort of wide awake and writing.
Loving
The
new addition to our family! It is his first month in this world and I
just love this little but overly cute boy! Always want to carry him and
couldn't stop staring. Loving to have my own someday. Someday!
Needing
A sleep! I will finish this as soon as I can so I could get a sleep. I know.. waking up early is not my thing.
Feeling
I felt light! Would really love to continue this. Unloading is almost done!
Clicking
Inspirational blogs and various sites. But, I would like to mention Siddathornton's blog. Join her link-up here (SUNDAY CURRENTLY). By the way, I'd first seen the link-up through Maine Mendoza's blog. I was perusing her blog, reading how good of a writer she is. Lovely blog and blogger!
"Happiness is an inside job. Don't assign anyone else that much power over your life." - Mandy Hale
Monday, August 1, 2016
Untitled
Hanging on every words
Holding on, I hope, can fill this gaping hole
Or is letting go, as they said, the best way to go?
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Untitled
Befallen, I am deep in this bout
Wasted and dreamed, or so I thought
Behold, now I’m stuck in the mud
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Untitled
I just shrugged my shoulder
You called my name,
I just offered my mane
You told me you missed me,
I just cast a mere gaze
You bid your goodbye
While I keep everything at bay
The blissful and sad
The normal and mad
Wanting and loathing
Dreaming and ceasing
Everything is a mess
We are like a tangled mesh
All I wanted was you
And yet it wasn’t true
