A Confession

I have a secret to tell you.

I hate myself.

If you know me, you know that I am not an open person. I am quiet, only observing my surroundings. I don't say much even in a familiar environment. I don't mingle with strangers. I am avoiding them. I hate small fake talk. I also don't talk too much about my life. I don't take photos of myself much. I also haven't been active on social media. 

I am practically hiding myself from the world.

I also always try to be self-sufficient ever since I can remember. I know I can't rely on anyone else. I have been let down one too many times that I started not believing on anybody else anymore and started thinking that I can't depend on anyone other than myself.

I'd stopped taking care of myself. I'd stopped caring about other people. I lost interest on the things I enjoyed before. I haven't been able to gain weight even though I ate a lot. I had bouts of appetite loss. I developed anxiety problems and chronic stress. I always felt tired thus the need to sleep a lot but then, I have a hard time getting one once I'm on the bed due to flowing thoughts.

The signs were already there.

I have been quite busy dealing with my dilemma of self-hate and hatred towards the world that I forget to start building myself. 

To start creating the person I want to project to the world.

You know the consequences of these things?

I had no opportunity to grow up.

Yes, all those time spent on studying, I have learned a lot. It gave me knowledge but it didn't gave me wisdom.

It didn't provide me the tool to shape myself up. To mold myself. To uplift myself.

I was only crowding my little self on the corner of the room. Hiding my presence.

You see, continuously doing that had a cumulative effect.

Self hate to hate projection to being socially aloof to regrets of missed experiences to depression then more self hate and so on.

And, I will reiterate this again. Having depression doesn't make life easy and fighting it is not easier.

But, with all that, I know that it starts and ends with the mind. 

And, you know what?

I am tired of being stuck.

I am tired of blaming the world.

I am tired of beating myself up for nothing.

I am tired of letting that have power over me.

Now, I want to take it back.

Now, I want to change the person I have become due to this mental illness I succumb myself into. 

Now, I want to stop the cycle I have been so accustomed to that it already became my second skin, my reflex. 

And right now, I want to start the growth I should have been focusing on to reach.

I believe that we can't solve a problem without accepting the fact that it is one. 

The solution is easy: start accepting, start dealing with it and start taking responsibility of our own lives from now on so hopefully, we can start to live a fulfilling days ahead.

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With this in mind, I am hoping that we can all extend our compassion and understanding to everybody because as cliche as this is, each of us are fighting our own battles. 

And those two won't cost you a penny so give it out plenty.

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Some words to leave:

And who you are matters. Period.

Claim it and let it shine.

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Some words I found on Pinterest that resonates with me on a deep level that I'd like to share:

And, how true that is.