Hey Self,
I have been aware of the fact that I am not as pretty as some girl I know or as witty as another. I don't know how to have a good conversation with someone. I wasn't good at conversations at the first place. When I was a kid, being alone is a bliss. While growing up, however, I realized that being alone is not as happy as I think it is. Nor as pleasant as it was before. Yet, at some point, I still feel some solace with it.
With that, I became distant with people surrounding me. May it be my friend or my family. With all those time by myself, I missed something very great. I was unconsciously avoiding people. At a first glance, one wouldn't notice that. I was surrounded by people. I was interacting normally with them. But inside, I was finding my way. I was still unsure.
Most of the time, I would think of what to say, or more on what is the right thing to say. I always keep what I thought of something. I know that it won't be needed anyway. That's what I believe it to be. Trivial. So better not to utter it.
There are also times when I preferred to zip my mouth and just listen to people talk, and then, later, would realize that I look like an outsider. An spectator in my own life.
Sometimes, I feel like I was only watching my life in a screen.
Fear.
I think, this is the one blocking me from other people. Fear. Fear of judgment, criticism, rejection.
I always guarded the words that I say in fear of being judged as this and as that.
I am always afraid of being scrutinize in fear of criticism. That I do not look as okay as I think I am. That I'm not as good. It has always been one of my greatest fear. Although, they say, I shouldn't think about what other people say or think about me as long as I know who I am. Yet, I still can't bring myself to not do it. I still can't stop worrying. I still feel obligated to care about it. I don't know how to stop myself from doing it...
And, this is what I fear the most. Rejection.
Of any kind. Let's say, refusal or being left at. I feel rejected when I was being left at. I thought that they didn't care if I was there or not. It hurts me to think that I was of no importance to them.
That is why, I refrain myself from being close to anyone. Funny it is to say, but I actually isn't capable of it. I bring myself into invisibility. I hide myself. I cower. Instead of showing people who I really am, what I am capable of, and just stop from brooding about destructive thoughts, I put myself on the back hiding behind a facade of impassiveness.
***
"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." - Lou Holtz
"We accept the love we think we deserve." - Stephen Chbosky
"We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." - J.K. Rowling
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
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